I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
