my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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