Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
