uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
