based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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