My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Randomize