You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
