a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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