I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
