there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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