I'm so fucking centered right now
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
