U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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