then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
