Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
