i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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