You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
