a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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