Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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