Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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