I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
kristin has been a bad kristin
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
