I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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