So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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