My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
