If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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