I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
