3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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