I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
