No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
