There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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