I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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