don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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