I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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