High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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