God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
