It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
