My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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