My room smells like vodka and shame
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
