Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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