I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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