I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
