my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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