That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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