I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
