I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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