I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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