If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
