maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
