I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
