i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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