I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
