How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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