Please, let me fuck your mom
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
