i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
your like the ambassador to my penis.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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