I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
