u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
