his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
